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Wow

I know what I post here is usually thoughts and emotions. But all I can think right now is I've had the craziest fucking night. I wanna go back to jersey and sanity now please. Thanksss.

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I hate everything. Really.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a fucking scummy douchebag. I'm sorry everything was so fucked up. I'm really sorry I suck. I don't want to go back to before, but I want you to know- I am sorry. I really do and always will love you. I'm sorry I can't actually talk to you about anything without being upset, because I'm so lost on how I feel. I preoccupy everything I do just so I don't think and don't be sad about you. Because we both know when I do- it's just going to be a melt down. I've drank more in the last week than I did all semester.  Just because I don't know what to do with myself. I've been hanging with Carrie. Too much probably. And Jess and Nich came down. I just can't be alone. I even went to dinner with Gator, she hit me up for peters. I'm glad I have friends again. I feel like Cata dealing with Carr now though. I wish you could just see how much I want them to stay my friends. This is all fucking dick. I know you are trying not to care, and so am I, I just want you to know that I still do care.
Tip for if you ever get serious with another girl, well- when. Tell your parents. I know you're not out to your dad, but you need to be. He's still going to love you. Not telling your parents made me feel like you were ashamed to date me and weren't serious at all. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to show off- only good enough to fuck and be "friends with" It fucking sucked. 
I'm sorry I have a ton of your clothes still too. I can't go through everything right now. I wear the same 3 shirts, 1 pair of shorts, and 1 pair of jeans. Since I've been home. All of my clothes are in duffle bags and in a pile at buddy's. When I unpack and finally stop being a homeless fuck, I'll totally find your stuff and bring it over. Please stop asking me for things. I don't wanna keep them. I don't want to keep anything, it just makes me upset. You gave me back that stupid coupon book that I fucking took forever to make for you, and you only used one. I fucking cried just looking through the dumb thing. I have a whole box of stuff from our relationship. That picture from my gmom, movie stubs, your poems, all of it. I don't want more. Please- you just keep it. 
God. I just want you to come over and lay with me and not give a shit. I want us to be fine and happy. I want to kiss you and feel that spark again. I want us to be glad to be together. I know that's not possible but I fucking wish it was
It has been a long, crazy 2 and a half years. Preoccupying myself can only last for so long. I'm sorry for not talking to you and cutting you out of my head, I just can't take it. I love you Christina. More than I have every loved or will ever love anyone. Sorry I've fucked it all up. I hope you find someone who can make you happier.

down.

I had a great day today. I posted on tumblr about how I went to this new program on campus for networking with individuals in recovery. I haven't been put in a position to think about using again. I say I'm 10 months clean even though I drink. but for me- being clean is more about the narcotics aspect than the drinking part. Drinking isn't really my thing. It's not even like I do it often. I just hate that it makes my clean time like, a fucking day because i do something that I, personally, am not affected the same way by. I'll be drug free 1 year in March. That is a big fucking deal to me. a BIG fucking deal. How can someone tell me my clean time isn't even clean?! like, I get that it's supposed to be complete sobriety because you don't want to replace one addiction with another and drinking generally (90% of the time I'd say) leads to using. but other than opiates- I'm an uppers person. and drinking doesn't make me want to use because I don't associate the two.. To me they are 2 separate issues. And I know I shouldn't drink like I do- but i don't drink because I'm unhappy. i don't drink because I want to feel better. it's just fun to me. it's not the same release as drugs and it doesnt make me even wanna do opiates, even though they're both downers. 

I'm glad I made friends, but honestly- going to that NA meeting tonight, seeing that lifestyle and everything, I just want to go back. I wanna get fucked up and enjoy everything. I want to feel the fucking rain again. I want to smile like that and have no inhibitions. i want to just get fuckedddd up and lay in bed and melt away. I hate it here. I hate having no friends. I really do. and I think I'll keep going to recovery room, but i don't want to go back to NA right now. I can't. I just can't handle it. It makes me so angsty after. i'm shaking right now and my hearts racing and I just feel upset. 

chris was supposed to come to night. i wish she did. I know it's not her responsibility to calm me down or to help me out of a situation I got myself into, but when she's here i just feel like- i can do this. i'll be okay. I don't need to use. but really, now, I just fucking want to. So so much. i'm so thankful I have someone so tolerant and helpful to me when it comes to these emotions because sometimes i'm not like, able to control them. i know that some other people really try and help me and understand me- but she's the only person i can be completely honest with. she's the only one who knows my past and who can tell me it will be okay and i actually trust her enough to believe her. this one guy shared today and said- " you meet people for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." ( something his sponsor told him) and i feel like that can't be more true.. i feel like the people ive met here are just a season. they aren't permanent. chris seems like she is, but tomorrow isnt promised. the people i met today, i feel like, are more there for a reason. They want to help me stay/get fully clean. they want to do the same themselves. And I do wanna stay drug free, even if that means i have to say Ive been sober for a day. i wanna go back to my homegroup and talk to joey and chuck and mike and the guys there. because right now i want to do the opposite of being clean. and thats not good for me. the one girl i met suggested very strongly that i should get a sponsor, but i feel like i can't trust anyone enough to be that for me. i feel like i don't wanna be here enough that ill just be distant and not relate to them at all. i feel like everyone can be so judging. and i hate that. i know na is a no judge zone but i feel like these people still will. i try my hardest not to judge people, but in the end im human and i do. i judge not to trust them. not to talk or share at meetings. i judge everyone really. i just dont want to let people in. and i know my roommate loves me but i feel like if i tell her even everything about my past and everything that previously happened she'd judge me too. she'd tell me i'm a bad person and wouldnt want to hang out with me. i know this seems like its going so far and if she reads this she'll say that i'm being ridiculous bc she'd still see me the same and still hang out the same but really- i can't even look at myself the same. i can't even be okay with me the same. i put all of this in the back of my mind and don't know how to handle how fucked up and sick i am. i avoid even confronting myself about this and my denial fucking eats me up. 
" i didn't have an eating disorder, i just threw up after every meal because i got too full"
"i didn't have that bad of a drug problem, i didn't have to use every waking second and i never got arrested"
"I dont have a drinking problem, i only do it to have fun."
all of it. like i'm in such denial and avoidance of myself because the past things just make me feel so terrible i wanna kill myself all the time. my life before makes me hate my life now. it makes me depressed and sick and upset. i cant even eat a whole pudding. i couldnt even eat a whole salad. like,  i just wanna drown my sorrows and get so high. it's only by the grace of God that I didn't get arrested and am not fucking dead yet. 

Tonight a boy brought his mom to the meeting.. it made me sad because my mom doesn't even know how bad of a problem i had with drugs. she thinks i didn't do anything. and i fucking did it all. i fucked up my life and she still thinks im fucking perfect. im so fucked in the head i have to keep this game going forever because i cant just breakdown and say i ahve a fucking problem. I cant bring mself to disappoint her or ruin our relationship. i have to avoid all of it. i couldn't even tell her what happened to me as a kid. like FUCKKKK. and i just don't know what to do. i feel so broken. I know itt's good to be held accountable and it's good to have to go to meetings- but it makes me hate myself more realizing how terrible i really am. it makes me want to use more than just living without it. 

im going to email the advisor for recovery room and see if she can set me up with a counselor from caps. i need to get over this and out of this slump. i need to get my life on the right track and be happy. 

I've missed you.

I know we're not together. I know were not perfect, by any means. But I'm glad you're in my life. I'm glad I have you back. I know you're not technically mine but still... I wish I could fix everything with you and Catalina. I wish she wasn't a fucking dickwad. Ugh. The things she says and does make me wanna throw her off a cliff. I wouldn't- but still she just makes me so angry. Ugh. :(

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Christina Victoria

I don't know how to talk about everything that has been going on with us. I'm so bad at talking and I hate it. I love you. I hate this friend thing. I don't want us to be over. I want to not hurt. I never should have said I think we should be done. Ever.  Some of me wants to just get over to move the fuck on. Because we just keep stringing this out like there won't be an end. We just keep hurting eachother back and forth. And that's what I'm tired of, not you. I should've told you that to begin with.  How do you tell the girl you love more than yourself that you try so hard to talk to other girls and just be fucking over her already? you can't. there's not a way. How can I just tell you I'm tired of being hurt? That i want to be in a serious relationship or just be done? because all that is happening is I say I'm done with you and talk to other people, and then miss the fuck out of you. Or I talk to you and you make me fall in love with you all over again. My heart hurts. I just want to fix everything. I know. It's really fucked up for me to turn to Nich about how I'm depressed and don't wanna be here. About how you hurt me so much. I shouldn't have kissed her good-bye. Cheek kiss or not. It's still fucked up. I shouldn't have done it. Really. You mean more to me then you'd ever know and even if I want to be with someone and be over you- it wouldn't be right toward you for it to be her. Popular to contrary belief I'm not "with" her. As much as she's there for me, I'm not over you and don't wanna jump into another relationship. Carrie and I talked about you. about why I'm not with you and I think about being with other people. I think that talk must've seemed different from my end- because I never said I'm dating Nich, Only that I'm not with you. 
I've loved you since the first time we hung out Chris. And that won't stop. Ever. We can be done, you can tell me there's never a chance for an "us" again, but I won't stop loving you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Ever. I won't stop fighting for you. I won't. This is probably more than what you're going to get out of me in words because you know I just can't talk. But I just want you to know that I love you. You're the only one I love. I'm going to prove to you that I'm worth staying with. That I'm worth trying again with. I just can't let you go. I know I need to not be a fuck up and get my shit together personally. I know this school is mind-fucking me. But really, I would do fucking anything for you. ANYTHING. And whatever it takes, I will. 

I'm sorry I keep fucking up. A lot.

 I feel like I look back and it just seems like I'm trying to fuck with you or dick you over or something, and I'm really not trying to- I just don't know how to live or be or exist. I know. Like the fuck. I'm selfish right. I'm sorry I am because you probs say it like 100 + times every time I see or talk to you. My life's slowly falling apart and I don't even know how to be me, I can't be me with you. I'm losing my fucking self. And I know you are to. We're not us when we're not together. It's not even like being together makes us ourselves, but you bring out the most in me. The best and the fucking worst. But still, it's me. Now I'm just a shell of that girl. I try to stand out and be more me, but you just tell me I'm blending the fuck in even more. And please don't pretend like you're not just a bitter shell too. I see it in you, you're tired. not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.  You're stressed about school and about rent with Gab and about work and traveling and your family and maybe even your identity- i don't know. but I know it's like everything. And it makes you so hostile. It makes you bitter and angry and hateful. Things I do you used to find cute you find annoying and pathetic. I text you and you don't text back. I try to do something nice and somehow my gestures just get criticized. I'm not telling you this because of my feelings because you'd tell me I've changed and I'm a bitch and I'm a selfish piece of shit and that I'm fucked up and that you hate me and that i should just fuck off. Because aside from hi and bye- that's all you fucking tell me. But really. I don't just mean that I'm hurt by this stuff- I mean that in the way you act shows how hurt and alone you feel. I wish I could save you from everything. I wish I could bring you here because at least I have Jess here with me. And she's not biased. she does like you. But really. I don't know how to help.  You say I care too little, too late. but that's just it. I fucking care Chris. I do. I just don't know how to help or what to do.  If I told you this in person you would respond with "you're fucking dumb" or call me a piece of shit or something. The reason I spent so long talk with Gab and doing homework was because I was talking about your bitch fucking ass. Because I didn't wanna walk home at 2 am when I should've been done and get raped or some shit. And you don't see that. All you see is me fucking ditching you for 5 hours. When in all reality, you know I have shit to do. and If you're asleep- It's fucking dumb to wake you to tell you I'm doing more work. But whatever. I'm a selfish piece of shit. 
Yah, I do occasionally hang out with Nichole. I don't think you understand how bad things are when I actually talk to you.  I have NO friends. I hate school. I hate dumb people in class. I hate campus events. I hate how white everyone is. I hate how anti-social everyone is. I hate how they dress and have no fashion sense except what HCO will fucking sell them. I hate the High School drama. I hate the cold weather. I hate that no one will say hi back to me. I hate the cliquey hometown bullshit. I hate that I live in a fucking ghost-town after 10pm and even more so after 5pm on fridays until like, 9-10 pm on sundays. I hate my white walls. I hate my broken screen. I hate that people wear socks and sandals. I hate that people can't spell. I hate that no one knows math. I hate that no one goes to class. Or fucking anywhere. I hate that people assume I live around here. I hate that I have no one here. ever. I hate that I lost my best friends when I became friends with you cata and carrie ( not purposefully mind you, we drifted apart) and had no one there. I hate it more now because you 3 fucks are doing you. And I'm all a fucking lone. Cata cares about you. You about her. Car about her. her kinda about car. And you all say you fucking care about me but like -fuck. Let's stop faking. you guys care enough for like a mediocre friend. Like someone you've hung with a few times, Like Sandra before she became a creep. And now no one even talks to me except Car when she wants something and you when I fucking text you first.  I'M FUCKING SUICIDAL AND NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. So yeah. Maybe at times I just need to be a little fucking selfish. because you know I will do anything you fucking ask me to, ANYTHING BITCH, but atm, I'm too preoccupied trying to not be depressed or thinking of where I would lay in the forrest and OD so that Jess wouldn't find me and that people eventually would- but not before I actually die this way I couldn't get my stomach pumped to think about what I can fucking do for you to help you.  All I can focus on lately is black coffee and cigarettes. Yes, I do think of you often, but not in the sense I can do something. I have no passion for anything. I hate art. I can't even write a fucking song. I can barely sing other people's. I've stopped wearing make-up unless it's to see you. I wear sneakers and black and hoodies to class. I wear the same 3 bracelets everyday. I think about getting high more than  I think about eating. I just want you to fucking hold me. not have sex with me. Just hold me and we can fucking cry together because I know you feel the same shit as me just on your end and I want to be there for you- I so fucking do, I just don't know how! I don't. 
God, You talk about me changing but fuck baby- you change too. You're not a static character in this story.
people here don't even know the difference between static and dynamic characters. 
I want to cut and smoke and snort and chop off all my hair and die it pink and wear no clothes in the winter. I want to stand in front of an oncoming train, I do. Sometimes I want it just to be over, but most often I just want it just to feel something other than this fucking numb sad hatred I can't seem to shake. 
I want to tell you how much I do love and appreciate you. I need to. Because I do. And I'm a fucking twat and I haven't. But you deserve that. I'm sorry I'm a giant lying selfish changed blonde white goldfish bitch ugly dumb stupid piece of shit who can't do anything right for you and has nothing to fucking say. That's all I have to give this second. I'm trying.
I still need you in my life. 
I still love you.

I said till the end and fuck- I mean when I bloody well jump on the track in front of the train to coppaskwakin or whatever its fucking called or slit my fucking wrists and bleed the fuck out.
To the fucking end. 

I'm sorry I seem psycho. 

I just needed to let it out. 
now that its 3 am and im balling my eyes out...


I love you babe. legit. 

I'm starting my life over.

This is no longer me. 
I'm starting anew.
If you have my new LJ, read it. Let's be friends.
If you don't, It's because it is not for you to read.
Follow my tumblr.
AHSchreiner.
Get at it muhhfuckahs. :)
Love the life you have, because not everyone gets a redo like me. 

I'm thankful for a second chance. 
I want to take every advantage. 

Plaid.

The word "typical comes to mind.
It's a stereotype, so I try to find,
an original.
An Individual-
One with a heart,
who's not afraid to start-
something new.
Something greater than you-
and me, Something wild.
While still knowing,
   They're only a child.
Life's not meant to be serious.
And I search, but find myself delirious.
And fearing this.
Are you hearing this?
I'm scared.
To find a new one to share,
To read this "Love Dare"
Well, I pick truth.
I pick you.
I pick giant smiles and big blue eyes.
I pick a laugh that'd reach the skies.
With a sense of humor that could kill.
And thrill.
And lighten days-
   when all are sad.
I pick you.
With your many shirts,
   Of Plaid.


I wish I could move

 Italia would be beautiful.
today sucks diccckkk, just because you made it suck so hard. i dont get you anymore.  And Lemme guess? this is going to be blowing up someones fucking spot- even though there's no fucking names. I don't know what you want from me anymore. I enjoyed the carefree weekend. I enjoyed relaxing with you, even while you played gta. I DONT enjoy this jealous bullshit. Nor do I understand it. I need to stop ranting. It's making me more fucking mad.
I need to sleep, so so badly.
i don't have time now though.
at all.
I need to brush my teeth and do my hair too.
but sleep would be the most important..

solstice.

its only half way through December, but to me, its the solstice. I can look back on the past couple weeks, and realize it has been hard. I know it can only get better. I'm purging my self from the bad things. only letting more light in. tonight, a friend texted me for drugs. an ex friend I guess. we haven't talked much since September.. I decided a while ago I didn't want to be friends. I want to be better, and she's just not ready for that. I don't want to make it sound like I'm better than her or like I'd not he friends if she got her world together. I really do miss her. in a way, I feel like she stole away another friend, not on purpose.. but another friend I was so close with is just so absorbed into her. and I miss hanging out. I miss food fights and kiddy movies and late nights and paper parties. I miss being loud and annoying and white. but not even she wants me to be friends with the girl who has been bad drug wise. It's whatever I guess. I try not to think of it in terms of missing them, just what's better for me in the long run. I just push it out of my mind.

On a positive, I've regained light already. kat is there for me, she makes me smile and keeps me on track. she dances with me and goes to clubs. she is my art buddy and my secret keeper. we make masterpieces. haha. she started a new book, and I'm so very excited to write in it.:)
then there's the ginger. as much as I poke fun and tease her, she's my go to girl when it comes to relationships. we both have a lot going on couple wise... its, interesting? today I went to her house at 6 am. her mom made us pancakes and I curled her hair. were like little kids.:) its so fun. we dance together so we see eachother every day. she's even in my senior piece.:)
then there's paige. the old and the true. she's always been somehow in my life. we bicker sometimes, but in the end were always gonna be there for eachother. like today, she split her toenail in half and I came to the rescue. then she gave me a ride home. I told her how raw my nose has been, and that it bleeds, and that this is sinus infection number 4. she told me to stop. I haven't in a month, she told me sh was so proud and we talked about it for a while. she knows how yard the bull with everything I've done is to stop.
I feel like everyone is just so supportive on this end. I just have to let light in. it'll all be okay, the darkness is half over, right?