Tip for if you ever get serious with another girl, well- when. Tell your parents. I know you're not out to your dad, but you need to be. He's still going to love you. Not telling your parents made me feel like you were ashamed to date me and weren't serious at all. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to show off- only good enough to fuck and be "friends with" It fucking sucked.
I'm sorry I have a ton of your clothes still too. I can't go through everything right now. I wear the same 3 shirts, 1 pair of shorts, and 1 pair of jeans. Since I've been home. All of my clothes are in duffle bags and in a pile at buddy's. When I unpack and finally stop being a homeless fuck, I'll totally find your stuff and bring it over. Please stop asking me for things. I don't wanna keep them. I don't want to keep anything, it just makes me upset. You gave me back that stupid coupon book that I fucking took forever to make for you, and you only used one. I fucking cried just looking through the dumb thing. I have a whole box of stuff from our relationship. That picture from my gmom, movie stubs, your poems, all of it. I don't want more. Please- you just keep it.
God. I just want you to come over and lay with me and not give a shit. I want us to be fine and happy. I want to kiss you and feel that spark again. I want us to be glad to be together. I know that's not possible but I fucking wish it was
It has been a long, crazy 2 and a half years. Preoccupying myself can only last for so long. I'm sorry for not talking to you and cutting you out of my head, I just can't take it. I love you Christina. More than I have every loved or will ever love anyone. Sorry I've fucked it all up. I hope you find someone who can make you happier.
I'm glad I made friends, but honestly- going to that NA meeting tonight, seeing that lifestyle and everything, I just want to go back. I wanna get fucked up and enjoy everything. I want to feel the fucking rain again. I want to smile like that and have no inhibitions. i want to just get fuckedddd up and lay in bed and melt away. I hate it here. I hate having no friends. I really do. and I think I'll keep going to recovery room, but i don't want to go back to NA right now. I can't. I just can't handle it. It makes me so angsty after. i'm shaking right now and my hearts racing and I just feel upset.
chris was supposed to come to night. i wish she did. I know it's not her responsibility to calm me down or to help me out of a situation I got myself into, but when she's here i just feel like- i can do this. i'll be okay. I don't need to use. but really, now, I just fucking want to. So so much. i'm so thankful I have someone so tolerant and helpful to me when it comes to these emotions because sometimes i'm not like, able to control them. i know that some other people really try and help me and understand me- but she's the only person i can be completely honest with. she's the only one who knows my past and who can tell me it will be okay and i actually trust her enough to believe her. this one guy shared today and said- " you meet people for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." ( something his sponsor told him) and i feel like that can't be more true.. i feel like the people ive met here are just a season. they aren't permanent. chris seems like she is, but tomorrow isnt promised. the people i met today, i feel like, are more there for a reason. They want to help me stay/get fully clean. they want to do the same themselves. And I do wanna stay drug free, even if that means i have to say Ive been sober for a day. i wanna go back to my homegroup and talk to joey and chuck and mike and the guys there. because right now i want to do the opposite of being clean. and thats not good for me. the one girl i met suggested very strongly that i should get a sponsor, but i feel like i can't trust anyone enough to be that for me. i feel like i don't wanna be here enough that ill just be distant and not relate to them at all. i feel like everyone can be so judging. and i hate that. i know na is a no judge zone but i feel like these people still will. i try my hardest not to judge people, but in the end im human and i do. i judge not to trust them. not to talk or share at meetings. i judge everyone really. i just dont want to let people in. and i know my roommate loves me but i feel like if i tell her even everything about my past and everything that previously happened she'd judge me too. she'd tell me i'm a bad person and wouldnt want to hang out with me. i know this seems like its going so far and if she reads this she'll say that i'm being ridiculous bc she'd still see me the same and still hang out the same but really- i can't even look at myself the same. i can't even be okay with me the same. i put all of this in the back of my mind and don't know how to handle how fucked up and sick i am. i avoid even confronting myself about this and my denial fucking eats me up.
" i didn't have an eating disorder, i just threw up after every meal because i got too full"
"i didn't have that bad of a drug problem, i didn't have to use every waking second and i never got arrested"
"I dont have a drinking problem, i only do it to have fun."
all of it. like i'm in such denial and avoidance of myself because the past things just make me feel so terrible i wanna kill myself all the time. my life before makes me hate my life now. it makes me depressed and sick and upset. i cant even eat a whole pudding. i couldnt even eat a whole salad. like, i just wanna drown my sorrows and get so high. it's only by the grace of God that I didn't get arrested and am not fucking dead yet.
Tonight a boy brought his mom to the meeting.. it made me sad because my mom doesn't even know how bad of a problem i had with drugs. she thinks i didn't do anything. and i fucking did it all. i fucked up my life and she still thinks im fucking perfect. im so fucked in the head i have to keep this game going forever because i cant just breakdown and say i ahve a fucking problem. I cant bring mself to disappoint her or ruin our relationship. i have to avoid all of it. i couldn't even tell her what happened to me as a kid. like FUCKKKK. and i just don't know what to do. i feel so broken. I know itt's good to be held accountable and it's good to have to go to meetings- but it makes me hate myself more realizing how terrible i really am. it makes me want to use more than just living without it.
im going to email the advisor for recovery room and see if she can set me up with a counselor from caps. i need to get over this and out of this slump. i need to get my life on the right track and be happy.
I know we're not together. I know were not perfect, by any means. But I'm glad you're in my life. I'm glad I have you back. I know you're not technically mine but still... I wish I could fix everything with you and Catalina. I wish she wasn't a fucking dickwad. Ugh. The things she says and does make me wanna throw her off a cliff. I wouldn't- but still she just makes me so angry. Ugh. :(
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
- Current Location:US, New Jersey, Williamstown, Gloucester, Corkery Ln, 1291
I've loved you since the first time we hung out Chris. And that won't stop. Ever. We can be done, you can tell me there's never a chance for an "us" again, but I won't stop loving you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Ever. I won't stop fighting for you. I won't. This is probably more than what you're going to get out of me in words because you know I just can't talk. But I just want you to know that I love you. You're the only one I love. I'm going to prove to you that I'm worth staying with. That I'm worth trying again with. I just can't let you go. I know I need to not be a fuck up and get my shit together personally. I know this school is mind-fucking me. But really, I would do fucking anything for you. ANYTHING. And whatever it takes, I will.
Yah, I do occasionally hang out with Nichole. I don't think you understand how bad things are when I actually talk to you. I have NO friends. I hate school. I hate dumb people in class. I hate campus events. I hate how white everyone is. I hate how anti-social everyone is. I hate how they dress and have no fashion sense except what HCO will fucking sell them. I hate the High School drama. I hate the cold weather. I hate that no one will say hi back to me. I hate the cliquey hometown bullshit. I hate that I live in a fucking ghost-town after 10pm and even more so after 5pm on fridays until like, 9-10 pm on sundays. I hate my white walls. I hate my broken screen. I hate that people wear socks and sandals. I hate that people can't spell. I hate that no one knows math. I hate that no one goes to class. Or fucking anywhere. I hate that people assume I live around here. I hate that I have no one here. ever. I hate that I lost my best friends when I became friends with you cata and carrie ( not purposefully mind you, we drifted apart) and had no one there. I hate it more now because you 3 fucks are doing you. And I'm all a fucking lone. Cata cares about you. You about her. Car about her. her kinda about car. And you all say you fucking care about me but like -fuck. Let's stop faking. you guys care enough for like a mediocre friend. Like someone you've hung with a few times, Like Sandra before she became a creep. And now no one even talks to me except Car when she wants something and you when I fucking text you first. I'M FUCKING SUICIDAL AND NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. So yeah. Maybe at times I just need to be a little fucking selfish. because you know I will do anything you fucking ask me to, ANYTHING BITCH, but atm, I'm too preoccupied trying to not be depressed or thinking of where I would lay in the forrest and OD so that Jess wouldn't find me and that people eventually would- but not before I actually die this way I couldn't get my stomach pumped to think about what I can fucking do for you to help you. All I can focus on lately is black coffee and cigarettes. Yes, I do think of you often, but not in the sense I can do something. I have no passion for anything. I hate art. I can't even write a fucking song. I can barely sing other people's. I've stopped wearing make-up unless it's to see you. I wear sneakers and black and hoodies to class. I wear the same 3 bracelets everyday. I think about getting high more than I think about eating. I just want you to fucking hold me. not have sex with me. Just hold me and we can fucking cry together because I know you feel the same shit as me just on your end and I want to be there for you- I so fucking do, I just don't know how! I don't.
God, You talk about me changing but fuck baby- you change too. You're not a static character in this story.
people here don't even know the difference between static and dynamic characters.
I want to cut and smoke and snort and chop off all my hair and die it pink and wear no clothes in the winter. I want to stand in front of an oncoming train, I do. Sometimes I want it just to be over, but most often I just want it just to feel something other than this fucking numb sad hatred I can't seem to shake.
I want to tell you how much I do love and appreciate you. I need to. Because I do. And I'm a fucking twat and I haven't. But you deserve that. I'm sorry I'm a giant lying selfish changed blonde white goldfish bitch ugly dumb stupid piece of shit who can't do anything right for you and has nothing to fucking say. That's all I have to give this second. I'm trying.
I still need you in my life.
I still love you.
I said till the end and fuck- I mean when I bloody well jump on the track in front of the train to coppaskwakin or whatever its fucking called or slit my fucking wrists and bleed the fuck out.
To the fucking end.
I'm sorry I seem psycho.
I just needed to let it out.
now that its 3 am and im balling my eyes out...
I love you babe. legit.
I'm starting anew.
If you have my new LJ, read it. Let's be friends.
If you don't, It's because it is not for you to read.
Follow my tumblr.
Get at it muhhfuckahs. :)
Love the life you have, because not everyone gets a redo like me.
I'm thankful for a second chance.
I want to take every advantage.
The word "typical comes to mind.
It's a stereotype, so I try to find,
One with a heart,
who's not afraid to start-
Something greater than you-
and me, Something wild.
While still knowing,
They're only a child.
Life's not meant to be serious.
And I search, but find myself delirious.
And fearing this.
Are you hearing this?
To find a new one to share,
To read this "Love Dare"
Well, I pick truth.
I pick you.
I pick giant smiles and big blue eyes.
I pick a laugh that'd reach the skies.
With a sense of humor that could kill.
And lighten days-
when all are sad.
I pick you.
With your many shirts,
today sucks diccckkk, just because you made it suck so hard. i dont get you anymore. And Lemme guess? this is going to be blowing up someones fucking spot- even though there's no fucking names. I don't know what you want from me anymore. I enjoyed the carefree weekend. I enjoyed relaxing with you, even while you played gta. I DONT enjoy this jealous bullshit. Nor do I understand it. I need to stop ranting. It's making me more fucking mad.
I need to sleep, so so badly.
i don't have time now though.
I need to brush my teeth and do my hair too.
but sleep would be the most important..
On a positive, I've regained light already. kat is there for me, she makes me smile and keeps me on track. she dances with me and goes to clubs. she is my art buddy and my secret keeper. we make masterpieces. haha. she started a new book, and I'm so very excited to write in it.:)
then there's the ginger. as much as I poke fun and tease her, she's my go to girl when it comes to relationships. we both have a lot going on couple wise... its, interesting? today I went to her house at 6 am. her mom made us pancakes and I curled her hair. were like little kids.:) its so fun. we dance together so we see eachother every day. she's even in my senior piece.:)
then there's paige. the old and the true. she's always been somehow in my life. we bicker sometimes, but in the end were always gonna be there for eachother. like today, she split her toenail in half and I came to the rescue. then she gave me a ride home. I told her how raw my nose has been, and that it bleeds, and that this is sinus infection number 4. she told me to stop. I haven't in a month, she told me sh was so proud and we talked about it for a while. she knows how yard the bull with everything I've done is to stop.
I feel like everyone is just so supportive on this end. I just have to let light in. it'll all be okay, the darkness is half over, right?